| New adventures |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|07:30 pm] |
I left LiveJournal alone for a good while due to a number of other things coming up. I started up a financial blog, which is now dormant as my first attempt at full time trading winds down to close.
I also write up adventures for a D&D game that I play, and that takes care of my common word production. It's very nice having an enduring chronicle of the adventure, and I learned a lot about the use of MediaWiki - http://magbonch.awardspace.com/wiki/index.php?title=Than%27aar_Bon-Kai has my character's take on things linked to down the bottom.
There was a 7 month relationship, which makes it my longest by a tiny margin. The character differences apparently made it not worth trying to work through issues, at least for her. The strength of feeling had eroded, so it wasn't really that painful. Back to looking for a rare gem of a girl for me - if only searching were easier!
My finances have been exciting - I am reminded of the scene from the new Star Trek movie as young Jim hopes out of the slowing car and almost slides off the cliff. It wouldn't really have been that bad, but it could have been the first case of the world insisting that I make sacrifices beyond those I was reasonably willing to make on account of limited resources. I almost set up a business when there was insufficient work being handed to me, but landed a full-time development job at a decent pay rate at a prop trading company (arbitrage mostly).
It's a fair way from home, so I'll be looking to rent a staging point (studio apartment, probably) out there, and probably spend weekends back here. The possibility of starting up a business is almost as appealing, but the risk is too high when the consequences of failure involve housing payment issues. I'm really excited about getting into the finance industry and seeing where my year of 27 can take me!
As is the theme of this blog, onward and ever upward! |
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| A new life for a new age |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|08:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I promised an update on my life with my last journal entry, so here it is.
1. I now have a brother. An older brother. He's my half-brother who I barely knew, but spent a lot of time with in London. It's pretty cool, having a brother - I'd recommend it ;-) He's getting married in a year, so I'll be there for the wedding.
2. My stock market account recovered. I had managed to lose 8 months' savings on it, which is quite a bit given that I spend less than half my income, but I've made it all back and a little more. I think I've got the hang of this game now ;-)
3. I quit my job. Huzzah! 10 working days left :-D I'm going to trade the Stock Market for income, and probably do some IT Contracting work. How good is it that I'm going to be making money playing a game? And it's an awesome game too - most games present insufficient challenge, but not this one!
4. The US economy is about to jump off a cliff. As entertaining as the fall will be, it's not the fatal part. The sudden stop at the end is, and those in charge are no MacGuyver. Within weeks it will probably be too late even for congress to stop it, even if they started acting perfectly. The Australian economy is going to follow it, but hopefully we won't jump off after them just to get down the mountain. I need to get active about stirring support and create a Facebook group to ensure we don't follow the US like we normally do. Westpac is toast, ANZ too I think, and I fear for NAB. We *must not* bail the greedy bankers out. Those who screwed up must lose their money. This includes me to the tune of 200k - but if that's the price I must pay to live in a productive and free society then "I pay it gladly". |
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| Learnings |
[Jun. 1st, 2008|11:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | London | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
Was out at the pub last night, met a random local, who happened to be a script doctor, for movies. There were many interesting things to be learned from the encounter. On the subject of relationships, he independently suggested what I had started thinking a week or so ago regarding Iwona: that the relationship had been over for her a month or two earlier, she just didn't let me know.
She said to me that all she had really asked of me was honesty, and I had given that, so she's not too upset. If the above were the case then the reverse does not hold - the honesty was not returned. In fact, stretching someone's feelings out, when there's really no hope, for a month or two is rather cruel and heartless.
Now I've heard all manner of arguments for "It's for his/her own good" to justify either a lie of "It's not you, it's me" or worse, trying to get your partner to do the breaking up. This is self-deception at its finest, resulting from being too weak to face reality. It leaves the person with all kinds of doubts and uncertainty as to what actually happened, which is usually nastier than solid facts. Worse, if the cause is not discovered, there is no means of avoiding it happening again, or worse yet, the wrong cause can be attributed and behaviour altered in a counterproductive direction. Wow, that's a mighty fine gift you're giving there!
So what can I actually learn from this, now that it has settled in my mind? There are some clear positive take-aways, the largest of which is that I have no intimidation factor. I courted her (somewhat) successfully when I thought the world of her - now it would be no big deal for me to be seriously interested in a celebrity/supermodel, Nobel laureate or billionaire. In fact, none of those things would necessarily guarantee my interest (though a Nobel prize would almost seal it).
On the negative, it's harder - the obvious lesson would be to become a cynical bastard - but if that's what life wants to teach me, I'm going to be a slow learner. There's other soft lessons, such as "don't date seriously someone inexperienced". I think the big thing to learn is regarding giving and taking. A balanced relationship (there are other kinds that can rarely be "stable") requires similar levels of contribution and so similar giving and taking from each partner. I tend to be rather giving and then hope to receive something in return - and then give more if the flow isn't happening. This is both naive and ineffective.
I have actual updates on my life, too - but they'll wait for my next post. |
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| The Escher Staircases |
[Apr. 25th, 2008|02:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
Last post (wow, a long time ago!) I mentioned that I treasured every moment with Iwona. I did, and they were great! A week ago we broke up, and I'll give an energy flow overview of what happened (a la Celestine Prophecy - amazing amount of insight in that book, even if you have to think about how much to believe).
She was always one to be operating under the control drama "Aloof". It makes perfect sense - both her parents qualify as interrogators. This constant distance that kept on coming back drained me, very slowly. At first it wasn't a problem, I could deal, and I was getting closer to her. Plus she was worth it. Then, my work got to making me really unhappy, and I realised my finances were not where I thought they were. This took the energy drain to the point where I was losing every week, and I knew what was going on, but didn't know any way of dealing with it other than cutting one of the causes.
The shared time with her decreased, from almost once a week to once every two weeks or so - she just didn't find time for me. She was also constantly drained because one of her friends was pulling the intimidator drama on her (threatening hurting himself and such), and she fell right into it. Also, he called her all kinds of hurtful things. He got more time and much more of her energy. She "didn't want to involve" me in her dramas with him, so her solution was to stay away from me every time she was doing it tough. Which might seem good to her, but again, distance, aloof drama.
Eventually I slipped further, with a slight slip into the intimidator role myself. It was not horrible by any means, consisting of threats of leaving her if I didn't get to see her, but still, it was not right and deserving of an apology and various other making things up. She didn't say anything, just withdrew further - only pointing it out after the end. She also took it as a confirmation that my true character had been revealed under stress. I know she was rather hurt by this, she talked about her ability to trust being reduced further. Which is to say, in future she will be more aloof for longer.
There was no hope for a relationship of the kind I wanted, for one simple reason. She considers playing out the aloof drama as *the morally correct solution* to having troubles. And morals mean all to her. No close relationship is possible with such responses and desire to get better at them. I broke up with her after not seeing her for over a month, and many disappointments (her cancelling dates with me was a regular occurrence toward the end). I had also withdrawn from most of the world, which can be noted by many things, including the date of my last LJ post. I do worry that she will find a guy who plays counter to her drama and the two of them will hook up (especially the aforementioned friend, who has called her his girlfriend in public in the past). This can cause a destructive feedback cycle that may last an awfully long time. She doesn't see it. If she'll still talk to me, I'll watch it and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, I won't let her pain and suffering be my own - she did make the choice of him over me.
This was a case of going onward and upwards with a girl who I still consider to be amazing, and finding myself less happy than before, an example of an "Escher Staircase". Less than a week later, the crushing sense of loss has departed, and I'm happier, more energetic, and up for a social life - even though my other issues are almost as ugly as ever.
I settled with work over my massive bonus, it was not an exciting settlement, but I'll get over it. They're sending me to the UK in mid-May, for a real project - that should be fun. Odds are that I'll go to contracting when I get back, which should be fun too :) For now, I try to continue not going postal in the office. Noting that this workplace came from pay raise, acquisition, pay raise and full time position, promotion, it's funny how it went from something I enjoyed to something I don't. Another Escher Staircase.
My finances look really ugly at the moment. Not ugly in terms of "unable to continue my current lifestyle" - it would take something massive to threaten that. Estimated 100k financial damage on my investment unit to date - probably looking at another 100k over the next 2 years. The bank hasn't noticed (and nor should it, I'll make sure it gets its money back in the end). I did what everyone else was doing to look after their futures - buying property - I started climbing that staircase. Also, invested in an IPO for EGF, I'm down 40k on that one (though I had 25k profit from the two prior) and 13k down in the trading. The EGF position is a solid one - they should quadruple from the global recession to become the 2nd largest Investment Bank in Aus, even while BNB continues catching the falling knife. The trading should sort itself out with the next market crash (probably next week, maybe the week after).
To finish off - call me up, invite me out, I'm up for doing stuff! I intend to live things up hard enough that, should I see the world ending in 2012, my last words will be "Damn my last four years were awesome! I win!" |
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| Tropical Island |
[Nov. 27th, 2007|04:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
The week before last was a team building trip to Hamilton Island, mostly funded by Microsoft. Somehow I've been too busy to record it here in this journal until now.
Things I got up to include Wake-boarding, going on a Jet Boat ride and using a flying fox. Wake-boarding was fun, and getting up was interesting - the water resistance is intense, and you have to lift yourself to your feet by strength of grip. After that, it's a lot like snowboarding, but with a very flat slope. When I tripped or the like, it was not a case of letting go - the handle was gone before I could think. I'll have to give it a go again at some point!
As one of my coworkers said "What did you do on the other three days?". Actually, those three activities were all on the one day. For the rest of the time, I relaxed, I walked up the mountain, chatted and ate and drank and was merry. I read a book that works well as a text of holism and challenged my reductionist beliefs, and thought about them as I examined nature, and the great beauty that could be seen on the hike. I should head back at some point, with the two things I missed the most - a camera (duh) and Iwona (aww), not necessarily in that order ;-)
After coming back, I have managed to add interesting material into my work wiki, voted in an exceedingly strange way for me (yes, I helped with the election going the way it did). I've also spent some more time with Iwona, and I treasure every moment. |
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| A quarter century |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|02:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
I turned 25, had plans for a large party - a dream from the previous year. I'd realised these had been cut way down due to competing events, but the number who actually attended was a blow - 12 in total. It took me a while to figure out why I was so down over it - but then it became apparent that it was a blow to my ego. I have armoured my ego pretty well over the last 5-8 years - but it took me 48 hours to get over this.
Outside of the world of my head and back in reality, the party was great, in the ways that count. Leah really dressed up for the occasion, which made me feel more in place with my outfit. Iwona arrived fashionably late wearing a black dress that took her to the next level of hot, and then proceeded to impress everyone she talked to - each for a completely different reason. She also liked my friends who were there and she got on well with Leah :)
I'd like to give special thanks to Erica and Chris for being awesome in turning up, in costume and in adding to the occasion. I'd also like to thank Leah's boyfriend, Richard, for coming through with some music in spite of technical difficulties, and Paddy Maguire's for having an awesome function area - which is licensed for 100 but still worked out well enough for 12. Finally, thanks to all those who made it - you made my birthday great - in spite of my ego quivering in the corner ;) |
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| My 25th party |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|05:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
I thought I'd put this up here earlier... but I guess not. I think most of the people who read this already know.
Here's the invitation, minus the formatting:
Welcome Lords and Ladies to Martin’s 25th Birthday Ball
Time: 8.00pm.
Date: 27th October.
Theme: Lords and Ladies (mildly themed)
R.S.V.P : Please email Martin at Lamarth@gmail.com or call on 0421-357-127
Party down stairs @ Paddy McGuire’s, Corner of Hay & George ST, City. Enter beside the arcade entrance, under the escalators.
Come one, come all and celebrate!!!!! |
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| Addiction |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|04:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
What is the nature of addiction? I suppose I could have studied this question in Philosophy or Psychology.
I would suggest that it is undertaking an activity that gives gratification above and beyond the value it adds to your existence. This is not necessarily a problem in itself - the problem comes in when other choices can provide far greater value and yet your choice is to pursue, just once more, the pleasure of the activity. Then at the next opportunity for choice, the same decision is made. Conditioning takes effect quite quickly.
The same pattern seems to fit all addictions, such as alcohol, gambling, sex and even drugs. For me it's computer gaming - and it only happens with some games. After the wonderful game Portal, which contributed to my personal growth, I moved onto Team Fortress 2. It chewed up all 14 hours of my Saturday, when I should, at least, have been inviting everyone to my party. Then, on Sunday, after a great day out at Luna Park, I got home and lacked energy. Settled down to play a round or two, and finished up 6 hours later.
The best thing I found for countering it in the past was to have something hugely significant in my life. I guess this also means that I'm missing anything that important to me - not in general, just there's nothing I can productively put more time into. After the false high and the following low of my stock research recently, the next step will take all the focus I can muster - it's not just a case of applying more time. There's another thing I'd like to invest more time into - but it resists any attempts at such an increase. |
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| What's in a couple of hours |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|08:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
What difference can a couple of hours make?
It seems the difference between sheer delight and depression. Which will lift - probably tomorrow, at D&D. So I'm doing the juggling thing, working on three things at once due to inherent delays in each and the urgency of each.
The execs explain to us how things will be structured into the future. Foolishly, they deal with the team by huge amounts of waffle. It was pretty weak. The way things are going, nothing will ever be at the quality level I'm looking for - I love constructing things, of great capability, and with a certain inner beauty. I love the participation to create a greater whole. I suffer horribly when the result is doomed to ineffectuality, regardless of what I do.
The only way of achieving such quality a redesign. I have had a solution for a while, but getting it through has been like swimming in concrete - which has been setting as I've been swimming. I could maybe play enough politics to get a decision in my favour from above - but that's forcing it rather than making it.
So... job satisfaction is waning, I can do better with my finances and there's every chance my next boss simply won't get it. My awesome bonus from way back never happened, and probably won't. Doesn't look like I'm going to stay. Which is handing over much of what I built over the last 4 years. I suppose such sentiment will just hold back my future.
OK, next event of the evening. A short time with Iwona. Which didn't happen - still have to find out what happened. That's ok, I'll drink and hang out with Leah, I'll feel better after a bit. She's sick - I hope she rests and gets better. But no more drinking.
I don't need drinking anyway. I could use my book though - it provides much insight. It's very deep, and does a good job of presenting many powerful viewpoints. While the story she's writing obviously shows her bias (this is Ayn Rand), she doesn't hold back with any of the antagonist views. I suppose it's funny in that the objections to objectivism are present throughout her book. |
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| A high level of potential energy... |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|06:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
A high level of potential energy implies that the system, which may currently be stable, just needs to be pushed a little bit and it will come crashing into a state with lower potential energy.
This is largely how I feel about my life at present. Things may be progressing beyond friendship with Iwona, which causes me to smile every time I think about it! What I find quite disturbing is that I have received neither encouragement nor discouragement in taking things further. I have some theories as to why this could be (desire to continue but lingering doubt is the easy guess), and will investigate carefully. Tying this into the subject - it has been in the state of almost something for a while now - definitely not a long term stable state.
Work is actually far less stable. I'm wondering if I'd do better moving into the day trading thing, which I'd really love to do - at least for a year or so. With the no bonus thing, it's not worth my time staying on with my current income. What level of income would make it worth my time? That's really hard to say, given that I'm learning management skills and trying to run a mini-business. Which has no work at present, even though it's geared to create high quality product. Add in much talk of people leaving or altered direction (other people, not just me) and... the energy for change is right there, it's just sitting on a clifftop, awaiting a strong wind push it off one way or another.
In other news, three of my friends, who mostly don't know each other, are all in recovery from severe injuries. I believe the injuries occurred over the course of a week or maybe two, and all appear to have avoided crippling permanent damage.
Over the time since my last post, I've been to Manila, run the City to Surf and learned several more technologies for development. I'm successfully maintaining my City to Surf level of fitness. |
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| The importance of being Ernest |
[Jul. 7th, 2007|02:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
Tick Tock
It's Friday night, Emma's party. I'm her only friend from ages past, I gather that that's because I was the only one who was friends with her cos she was awesome, and not because she was a great, fat girl who make them feel good about themselves. There was discussion about her being awesome at work, and I quietly thought to myself "that's why she's my friend and you're not".
Tick Tock
It's Saturday night, Spanktacular, the most awesome party of the year aside from the ones I hold myself. I remember almost no names. I see Matt and later Crystal. Each gives me a massive and excited hug when they spot me. Awesome to catch up with them - I didn't want to lose them. I meet/re-meet Adam, Alicia, Alistair, Carl, Chris (x2), David, Elise, Justin, Karil, Nick (x2), Paula, Pete, Ray, Ruth, Sam, Satchko, Stano, Sutts. That's 20 names succesfully remembered, I'm on fire! There was a blonde who I think wanted a good night, and I felt bad - whilst being "single", I couldn't go for anyone because I knew I wouldn't be able to explain to Iwona.
Tick Tock
It's Thursday lunch, which makes it the most memorable point of my week. I'm out for lunch with Iwona, discussion becomes involved, deep and technical, in so many ways. I'm reminded of why I want to be with her so much. She's busy in the Federal courts around this time. I try to kiss her at the end - the result of which is that I give her a quick peck but fail at anything further. That night, Leah says that a number of guys have pulled that on her - a peck on the lips instead of on the cheek. It's different though - Iwona knows that I would like to be more than friends, and it's now up to me to take things further.
Tick Tock
It's Friday night, I'm out drinking with work, my new path set. We're wrapping up and Gwen wanders in, and starts getting told off by the bouncer and has the police threatened. I escort her out of trouble and make sure she's alright, then stop off at work to pick up my stuff. She goes on a rant about how her ex-bf, who is now Kelly's bf is a bastard. Kelly wanders past with him and she tries to tell her, but rants off into a drivel, and Kel extricates herself. We then go out dancing... and if I had made a move, I daresay it would have been more, but I have the same consideration as earlier. Sacrifices when seriously going for the best woman for you. I won't regret it - I would have regretted any other action. She decides a guy in the bar we went to is nice, and goes home with him. He was way too smooth to be nice, but he was probably good fun. |
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| Song list |
[May. 17th, 2007|08:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Oops! I did it again | ] |
I've promised it for a while, and have decided to put together a list of songs I can sing for Karaoke. This is after deciding that going up on stage singing a song I've heard once 5 years ago is more than just a bad show - it's a poor effort.
In the interests of producing a serious poor show (not to be confused with a seriously poor show), I'm taking requests for song. The list so far is:
Oops! I did it again (Leah)
We will rock you (Me)
Nine to five (Iain)
(will update as requests come in) |
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| Leaving the chaff behind |
[May. 17th, 2007|08:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
Many of you know by now that I've stopped playing the Vampire Cam game. It really was quite a simple choice, it was just made easier by one of the STs being a total ass (hint: it's an ST in the chain above me, not part of the Sydney Domain). If I'd received that kind of treatment from a job, I'd have walked.
Measuring positives between the game and work:
More consistency in environment: Work
Greater quantity of skills acquired: Work
Less paperwork to get stuff done: Work
Less assholes getting in the way of what I'm trying to do for no reason: Work
Greater effect on the environment as a whole: Work
Greater personal capability for heroic achievement: Work
Richer and more diverse world to explore: Work
More challenging politics: Tie
Greater reward for success: Tie (so far both are effectively nil)
Greater income returned per unit time: Work
More intriguing fantasy: Vampire
More funky technology: Work
There is no contest. For a good Saturday night, rather than spending 1.5 - 2 hours each way to Paramatta, I can work from home. Far more rewarding. It's actually rather decent - which is the reason I don't quit what I'm doing in search of better pay.
Moving forward, I need a more effective stock market prediction tool. What I have is kinda cool, but provides only like a 15% bias in my favour, which drops to 5% by the time I can use it. On the other hand, Shaun is setting the pace, and dragging me along - maybe I can return him the favour with a good bit of my own work. |
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| It burns |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|07:54 am] |
I was dealing with the no longer have girlfriend thing. It sortof never really got to the really have girlfriend thing. But it took out the enjoyment of two full days, so it counts.
I got rather drunk, made it to a party. Possibly in that order, possibly in the other order. There was lots of interesting conversation. Then I got thrown out for being too drunk, somewhere between 2 and 3. I sat in the foyer trying to get undrunk for 15 mins until Linette made it down, then I got up and followed her suggestion to get to the train station.
After that, I went home. I made it home at around 7:40. It included waking up in a bus depot in a suburb that I didn't know the location of. At any rate, I'm liking the idea of trying to make life all be at home with a small virtual world.
Now drunken Martin goes sleep. |
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| All going... |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|02:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
My Neural Net is too stupid to do anything. I think it needs more Neurons... but for now, it doesn't work.
I didn't make it to the Math Olympiad selection school to get re-involved in all that. The time was there, I was busy, the time passed.
I had a discussion today... need to work out if my gaining a life is going to be positively or negatively reinforced. If negative, between that and loss of VST I think I'll crawl back under a rock. Vanguard looks good. Great excuse to kill off my life again and disappear.
I'm up at 2:30 AM. I think I'm too distressed to sleep. Which will be good for getting to work early tomorrow.
My mum picked me up today, in the temp car while our car gets repaired. Again. She won't listen to me that the mechanic is useless and we should go elsewhere. She was totally smashed on alcohol - I've never seen it before. Apparently she ran out of wine, and so drank 500mL of Contreau. I saw her drive in 1/4 of the way into the side lane at 10 km/h and stop rather than pulling over. I drove home.
When the conversation went from it being nice that I was responding to my father on how he's losing his files (I reckon he managed to implement encrypted file system and then rebuilt his OS without it) to my getting told and asked to acknowledge how he was actually a really good choice and he did really well, I didn't want any more of it. She also proceeded to lecture me about how being drunk is bad, and she thought she might give an example to me.
We'll see if I can realign things with another discussion. That could make it all better. Here's to hoping. |
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| Weekend of intensity |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|07:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
This weekend has been quite something... even that of it after my last post. Saturday night had a very civillised dinner with Dave and some of his family. They fed me, they gave me alcohol, it was all very generous and good fun :)
Sat night was spent drinking with Seb and his friends. He was rather critical of quite a number of things. Not sure where this has come from or if it's a big thing. He did tell me why my Neural Net for the stockmarket wouldn't work, and while he had a point, he was wrong. It will be unfortunate if I fail, because he's still wrong, regardless of my success or failure. I also mentioned the situation with discussing finances... but got a lecture on not understanding the value of money (which I deflected) and got told that the reason I find it difficult to discuss my actual finances with people is arrogance. I was confused for a long time. I've since realised that he thinks my arrogance about my intelligence is a problem.
Whether it is or not, it has nothing to do with the issue of having real finance discussions with people, so he's off the list, and I've realised I can add Phil. He's level headed, does not react over strongly, and knows he could be doing very very well if he could be bothered.
Had some deep conversation with someone there (cos that's the kind of thing I like to talk about), then went on to another bar to chat with Leah. She really does make a great friend. Most guys will never know, because they can't get past her stunning looks.
I got home eventually, and was mean to my mum. It might have had something to do with her asking me for how to fix her MS Word. It might have had something to do with it being 6AM after having been drinking. It might have had something to do with her trying to show me "helpful things" which were unhelpful and then her trying to show me the same thing again because obviously I hadn't paid attention the first time. And I hoped she'd get the hint and stop. But in any case, I must remember not to do that ever again.
Sunday I found out the results of the Requiem VST election. I lost. I was stunned. There were suggestions that I'd work well as in my current AVST role for the winner. That would suck. Nothing to do with the new VST, I'd probably have an easier time working with him than the two before. But the time, effort, stress, and continued failure were getting to me. They would be offset by a game that I'd try to make smooth and prestige. In VST, there'd be skills in leadership and management, and I could fix things so I would not fail.
I saw 300 with Jayce and Doug... and spent quite a bit of time with her. Over the course of the evening "after Con party", it became clear to the massive social circle that we were out drinking with that we have something. What that is and what it becomes we'll see, but I really like her :) |
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| Let there be action! |
[Apr. 7th, 2007|01:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Disclaimer: As more people read my LJ, it gets more difficult to post complete, personal entries on here. I like to have the record here, and a month after the posting there would be no issue. So I'll try to keep things as they were, and we'll see how long it takes to backfire ;)
It's time to flip to the next page in my personal life. It's been time for quite a while now. I haven't been letting opportunities drift right past me for a while, but by the same token, I haven't been committing to them.
What it took was for a certain special girl to take an action and break through my solid boundary of "things normally done with friends", and anything that is more than just friendly. That is to say, she kissed me. It turned into an evening to remember :)
In other news, the VST election is going through shortly. It'll have a fairly significant impact on my life - if I win, a lot of energy will be devoted into making the game awesome. If I lose, I'll finish off my first million net worth. I was going to have that done by the time of my 25th birthday, but I've been so slack. It's now barely achievable, and I'd guess that I have no chance of managing it if I get VST, and only a 2% chance if I don't. Too many time overheads in my plan.
Which reminds me... there was a discussion about money earlier on Thursday... and I could have said something that would have resulted in much choking. Instead I sat there, spun out and silent for a few minutes. At least I can still discuss the game of monies with Shaun and Seb... Shaun looks intent on catching up on me, and Seb has a healthy attitude toward it, with the possibility of suddenly lurching right up to us.
OK, back to smiling to myself :) |
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| Illness hurts |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|12:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
Thursday: I'm sick enough to not go to work. Coughing, tired, sluggish. Have to finish this piece of work by tomorrow, and that takes priority. I have a scene to run, and do so.
Friday: I finish the piece of work. I don't feel much better. I see comedy at the theatre, which is good, as is the company. Engage in philosophy with someone who knows he's right because he's smarter than everyone else... who then fails to overcome Stewart with brute stubbornness, and gains a confused look when he keeps on tripping over his own argument in front of me. Mildly amused. Was more amused by comedian.
Saturday: Sleep. Discuss investment future with Shaun. Run Vampire again. Run free-for-all scene including character death. Sickness interferes with shouting, and possibly with consitution.
Sunday: Sleep. Rest. Try to recover, with limited success. Fail to get StarCraft working online.
Monday: Deal with people disliking other people, and with random drama. Present VST election promise. Get recognised for the cheese-monster and poor role-player I am. Or something.
Tuesday: Still sick. Discuss what it means to Storytell a Vampire game, with someone who could provide a vast amount of insight. Realise that I've never played in a good LARP game, at best I've played in an average one.
Wednesday: Hate being sick. Depression ensues, stress builds, the world begins to spin. Do I want this? Is the role I volunteered for making a story and a world, or is it babysitting of adults? I am on the edge of breaking... which I would not be if not for being all three of sick, tired and stressed.
Stay tuned to see which way I break! |
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| Judgment |
[Mar. 16th, 2007|11:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Today we shipped our solution - 6 months or so of development work, it's a major re-release. To celebrate we wore our most garish and visually offensive shirts.
Then we went to the boss's house to celebrate and drink. I was chatting with people a lot, having fun. I talked about the last time I was there, how I'd had too much to drink, that I lost memory after 23 drinks, how I asked permission to go further when I hit 20, cos I knew my limit. And was encouraged to go further.
Tonight I was starting to have the caterer/bartender wish to refuse me at about 15. Including the 2 pints of Guinness I had almost sobered up from by the time I walked in. I started drinking water, because I needed water. At 17, he refused, and the boss made a signal of no more. There was seriously nothing wrong with me at this point.
I made comments of being offended to some people, and then left, declaring that I had been refused drinks. I never leave early. I don't remember leaving early except when I had to be somewhere later that night. Why so bad? I'm a manager now, and my boss has clearly declared that he doesn't trust my judgment.
Actually, I've never failed him. Even when he promised I could do what was known to be impossible. I've never been wrong with something I declared to him. I've held my ground and been forcefully overruled twice, and was later proven right in both cases. In 3½ years.
On Monday, there will be a discussion. If I don't get an apology, I quit management and focus on my own life. Most likely offer my resignation. I win either way.
Update: I walk in on Monday morning and he issues a general apology "In case I offended anyone on Friday night, I wasn't myself." I was last in, so it was targeted at me. That was easy. |
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| Action and Purpose |
[Mar. 16th, 2007|12:23 am] |
I had a nice night out tonight. Saw a movie, had (South) Korean for dinner, enjoyed the company. The moment I said goodbye, the depression hit.
Conclusions? I don't know what I want. Lack of purpose is a killer. Lack of action is boring. Decisive action is not a part of my current mental makeup. Waiting until you can see the consequences of following a path will cause opportunities to vanish as time progresses. Most of the time, when you can see to the end, it is due to there being a swift ending, which is usually bad.
So what am I going to do about this? I don't know. Hooray for lack of purpose and lack of action!
If only I didn't care. I could experiment properly. I don't care about making a fool out of myself, but crossing boundaries without explicit permission does not happen for me (twice in the last week people were shocked that I actually asked before acting), and taking an action that is likely to hurt someone else is very difficult for me.
To apply a suggestion of Dr de Bono, In Po people have scripts telling them how to act next. |
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lamarth's journal